The Heart Speaks (Battling Demons)
By Delroy N. Williams
On my knees looking up
So ashamed of what I have become
A single tear falling from my eye
Because all I can do right now is cry
And even that proves difficult
I’ve dug myself into a world of trouble
Words can’t even help me now
This situation is killing me emotionally
I look fine on the outside
But I’ve been slowly dying spiritually
And only I and the Lord knows why
I’ve kept this pain inside for so long
Now I just can’t find a way to let it out
I try to scream, but can’t make a sound
I hope the Lord understands my heart
Because I’m in need of a brand new start!
Lord, it looks so rough
From this place where I kneel
Will I ever find healing?
Because I’ve been through so much
And I can’t help but feel that’s there much more to come
Take me by the hand, I need your refuge
I’m scared, I must admit
I’m in a ditch, looking up at a summit
Dark thoughts cloud my day
Nightmares haunt my nights
I don’t know what to do next
Feeling like I’m slowing disappearing
Something like evanescence
And that’s has me shook up
One minute I’m fine
The other I’m losing my damn mind
So, so confused
Feeling like the focus of a ruse
And everyone looks on laughing
They all know the plot
But all I can do is assume
Feeling so undervalued
Will I ever find my place in the cold, lonely world?
Or am I going to forever wonder
What’s my purpose here on Earth!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Delroy N. Williams
I hated days like these; why can’t I just be allowed to do my work and not have to attend these boring meetings. A bunch of policy makers beating their chests boasting of things they haven’t spent a minute to address coupled by technicians who think too highly of themselves, waiting for the opportune minute to make a smart comment. These are just grandiose occasions for men who love to hear themselves speak, plain and simple. But I would have to attend this time around, my supervisor was sick and since I was the one directly working on the project anyway, I would have to sit in on his behalf.
To make it worst, I was running late and the Dominican weather was at its worst. A brutal shower had cornered me on Cork Street, just opposite Perky’s Pizza with no umbrella. I really wished I had a car but since the accident two years ago the weekend of the World Creole Music Festival, I had decided to ease up on the driving. It was healthier too, especially since I worked just a few minutes from my home. A walk from home to work was just the exercise I needed every day. I had become a couch potato and my disappearing abs were not too fond of this new hobby. Television had become my refuge after work.
The rain had subsided a bit now and I decided to make a dash for it, I still had to venture halfway across Roseau to the Public Service Training Centre, an office space just above the General Post Office. As I stepped away from the sidewalk, a black Pajero IO sped down the street, dashing the contents of a pothole unto my pants
“A lang bodah” I shouted before my mind caught up to my mouth. Now that really hurt, I had spent all morning ironing my favourite dress pant only now for it to be all soaked. It looked like I had peed my pants but I couldn’t return home now, I would be too late. I wouldn’t want to venture into the meeting towards the end of the opening ceremony as that would look to bad, especially since the Minister for Community Development was expected to be there. She hated me and I would give her no reason to reprimand me. She had already refused to sign my mileage allowance a few times this year and another showdown would be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
So now my pants were soaked and my shirt lightly wet from the drizzle. What a morning I was having I thought as I made my way up the stairs of the Centre.
“They could have invested in an elevator,” I thought as I started panting, “it’s getting harder and harder to climb these damn steps every time.”
I opened the door to find the halls empty, except for the desk clerk who was busy on the phone talking to God knows who at this hour.
“A morning beff?” I asked to get her attention.
“Yes! And how may I help you Sir” she replied as she smiled that smile that meant that I should mind my business.
“Can I have a tissue or a towel, please?”
“Check de canteen area!”
“Has it been long since the meeting started?”
“No, not long ner!” she scolded in a tone that meant that I was keeping her from her Monday morning telephone ritual.
Whoever it was on the phone surely does speak loudly. I could hear the harsh Marigot accent from a few metres away. The beff seemed very interesting though as the clerk continued to laugh, turning her back to me. I could have walked out with everything in the canteen for all she cared. I threw the wet tissue into the small garbage bin that was just inside the swinging door of the clerk’s workspace and then ventured into the Meeting Room. It sounded very quiet as I approached but as I opened the room the Minister’s voice rose to give me an instant headache.
“We need to create an environment where our children can feel safe to go out and recreate… we also need to provide recreational facilities that meet the needs and wants of our children. We need to internalize the words of that song from Tasha P Let the children be Children, let them play” the Minister screeched, as if speaking to a room full of party supporters or illiterates. It was always painful to hear her damage the English language like that, placing emphasis on wrong syllables.
I scurried to take the only available seat left, trying my best not to make a sound. I opened the folder in front of me only to realize that the opening ceremony was coming to a close. So much for trying to make it to the meeting early. I now looked up and across the long table, the room was filled with colleagues; every media outlet was also present. It really did have the atmosphere of a party convention, even the Minister was fully clad in one of her customary red outfits, and off course fully complimented with six-inch heels. She may not give the best speeches or even know what she was talking about most of the time but she always dressed for the occasion. I often wondered if her husband had a say in her outfits. She does seem to have a keen fashion sense, well at least in comparison with other women in the political arena. She had a bright smile today and a certain level of confidence that even seemed to attract my attention.
“Oh my God,” I thought, “I have a thing for de Minister.”
I quickly shook that thought from my head as I continued to circle the room with my eyes. Out of the corner of my eye though, I saw this young lady. She looked like a reporter as she scribbled notes unto this yellow pad.
“She doesn’t have a recorder?” I questioned as I looked at her hands. They were so tiny but her nails were so long. The acrylic was beautifully done, almost all the colours of the rainbow, matching her sundress. A sundress in this rainy weather; what a bold statement! She looked a lot more expensively clothed than her salary should be able to afford. I continued to study her with my eyes, my thoughts getting more interest with every passing minute. She looked up after a few minutes and caught me steering.
“Hi!” she smiled.
“Uhmm, hi,” I responded almost caught off guard. Her voice was soft and sweet, she must work in radio.
She turned back towards her writing pad and continued to scribble some points so I turned away, not wanting to be caught staring again. But I kept peeking out of the corner of my eye, just so that I was aware of what she was doing. How did she look so good? Obviously, she didn’t walk to the Centre. There was no hint of rain or any disturbance in here attire. And that beauty mark jus below her left eye couldn’t be real, could it!
And just then she looked up at me again, with a slight smile and whispered, "can I squeeze your nipple?"
"Yes, but off course!" I replied, almost too eagerly that made her back off but just for a short while.
"I didn't expect that reply," she replied stifling a soft laugh.
"So does that mean you weren't serious then?" I asked, almost disheartened that I had killed the moment with my eagerness.
“Oh I'm very serious but I was expecting some resistance!”
“So I should have pretended to not want it?”
“I'm not sure but something like that; I just want to touch it though”
“Should I just lean forward and let you do it then?”
“Let's save it for later!”
“Later when?” I questioned.
“During the break!” she confirmed, getting up to walk away, swaying her round hips from left to right. My eyes followed her every move as she disappeared behind the door. It took me a while to realize that she was actually inviting me to follow her. I was hoping that nobody else took notice to what had just transpired, as this nervous excitement filled my body. I tried to stand up but could hardly move my legs. They were stuck to the floor.
“Not now!” I thought, as the fear of the situation became more and more evident. I placed my hands to the table and forced myself up. The table shifted and squeaked as I made my way up.
“Sorry, excuse me!” I belted out as the room turned to look at me.
Even the Minister had looked my way and I motioned with hand and head in an apologetic way that it wasn’t my fault. My exit from the room was swift. The door closed quietly behind me as I looked out. The clerk wasn’t at her desk and that suited me fine as I jetted across the hall.
“But where did the reporter disappear to?” I questioned, “She couldn’t have gone too far in such a short space of time.”
The only possible place she could have gone was down the stairs or into the washroom. I motioned towards the washroom; I had to take that chance. I put my ears against the door and listened. I heard the knock of heels against the tiled floor. I pushed the door open slightly as I peaked inside the room; the water was flowing from a faucet. I stepped in a bit further to see her washing her hands.
‘sorry for disturbing you in here but I have a question that just couldn’t wait until you came back,”
“What is it?” she asked as she closed the tap and walked towards me in a slow, subtle way that screamed out to my loins.
“Honestly, I don’t even know. I just wanted to be alone with you.”
“Why? You must have a reason to want to be in the women’s washroom, alone with me,” she replied as she stroked my chest with her index finger ensuring that I felt the nail dig into my flesh. My nipples responded fully erect. She had such an effect on me, almost without doing a thing.
“Well… I, I, I, I wanted to…” I studded
“Wanted to what?”
“I don’t know how to say it,”
“Just open your mouth and speak the words, that should be enough,” she murmured, as she rested her hips against mine and twirled around me. She now stood behind me and grabbed my waist.
She began biting my ear lobe as her hands ran up and down my chest, almost tearing through my shirt.
“What if someone comes in here?” I hissed as she gave me a harder bite, this time to the back of my neck.
“Let them see,” she joked, pushing me towards the toilet stalls. I kicked the door open as we both entered and I turned towards her. I motioned towards her and lay my first kiss upon her lips, they were so soft, felt like they’ve never been kissed before. That apple lip gloss gave me the feeling to rip her lips off as she lay soft bites against my lips pulling at them with her teeth. She was unbuttoning my shirt and digging her nails into my chest, even pulling against my chest hairs. This young lady was awakening every inch of my body with her touch. I began to lift her dress when she suddenly stopped.
“What’s wrong?” I asked softly hoping that I didn’t just ruin everything.
“Don’t do anything, let me just please you!” she demanded as she placed the toilet seat down. She reached for my belt and with one jerk removed it from my pant and unzipped the zipper. She grabbed my penis and held it for a while.
“At least somebody isn’t shy!” she remarked. I was about to answer when she placed her finger over my mouth.
“Shhhhhhhhh, don’t ruin the moment, please” pushing me down unto the toilet seat. She grabbed my dick out of my boxers and started t massage it, up and down with a rhythm that had me panting for breath. Her hands were so moist, I guess she really washed those hands well. I could see the veins on my dick bulging out like the vessels were about to burst open. I had never noticed them so engorged before, but the truth is I had never paid them much attention during sex. She leaned me against the water tank with her left hand then bent over and placed her lips unto my head, leaving a soft kiss. She smiled and winked at me and for the first time I could tell that she was fulfilling her fantasy as well as mine. Her tongue then enveloped my penis, encircling the bulbed top while using her hands to stroke me up and down. She had such pulse to her movement. I could barely maintain myself, closing my eyes so that I could contain my emotion. She then forced my dick towards the back of her throat and it was just too much to hold in anymore.
“Uhhhhhhhhh,” I squealed.
By now she wasn’t concerned about my noises and she just laughed out and continued. She then removed her panty, spread her legs over me and as she bowed down unto me she placed the silk black underwear into my face. I breathed in the heavenly, sweet aroma as it touched my lips and tongue. I could feel my penis entering her vagina at that same moment, so moist but still so very warm, as she straddled my hips pinning me unto the toilet seat. With one hand holding the back of my neck, the other still with the underwear in my face almost strangling me she continued to ride me, up and down, up and down. One band of sweat was rolling down her face unto her neck as she seemed in her element. She enjoyed sex, I could tell by the look in her eye. She wanted to please me. I could feel the eruption coming but I didn’t want it to end soon. I looked up to the ceiling in a desperate attempt of a prayer and as I did I saw a spider. I turned my attention to it, hoping that as I focused on the spider that my body would calm down but it was too late.
“Baby, baby, I’m about to cum!!!!!!!!” I yelled.
And almost in a succinct movement, she jumped up from on top of me, and allowed my eruption to converge with the walls of her mouth. I trembled away with the sweat now swimming down my forehead and chest as she sucked every last bit of cum off from my penis. I couldn’t move but she raised herself up and fixed her dress. She smiled at me, cum still in her mouth, leaned towards me and laid a soft kiss on my forehead.
“You were exactly what I needed, thank you!” she said and she turned around. I remained motionless in the stall as I heard the water flowing from the faucet. A few minutes later the door opened and she left. I still wasn’t able to muscle until she had probably been gone for about five minutes. I was no longer sweating and had controlled my breathing as I stood up, pulled up my pants and put on my belt. As I exited the washroom, the clerk was going toward her work station.
“you went into the wrong washroom, sir!” she scolded.
“Sorry, I hadn’t even noticed,” I apologized.
“Don’t let it happen again,” she emphasized as though she actually meant something else.
I paid her no mind though as I hopped, skipped and jumped across the hall and back into the Meeting Room. The young lady was still there as I took my seat. Almost simultaneously, she raised up from her chair and handed me a small paper bag.
“Don’t open it until I leave,” she whispered and as before she swung her hips from left to right, like she was moving to a cadence song from Exile One and exited the room. I looked down at the small bag, looked around to see if anyone was paying attention then opened it. There was a note. It read, “it was a one-time thing, don’t get any ideas! Thank you though; it was a very good 5-minute experience.”
The paper bag also contained the black silk underwear. I closed it back, and with a huge smile opened up the bag again and inhaled deeply.
“No, thank you I thought.”