The Kiss

The Kiss
By Delroy Nesta Williams

She took one lick of her ice cream and I knew that I wanted those lips against mine. It was cherry vanilla. The dim light of the lamp post and the short rain shower that had just subsided meant that we were alone on Old Street under one of the huge verandas that had made Roseau famous. The French-influenced architecture was all around and provided temporary shelter from the short shower, but it was the furthest thing from my mind. There were beads of rain drops on her forehead and cheeks, her hair partially covered her visage but I was still able to look her straight into her eyes. They were hazel, complimenting her skin color. She looked at me, smiled and those dimples of hers just made a small cry to me. She wanted me, her eyes also told the story. I touched her left hand, held her fingers between mine and pulled her towards me. I could feel her heart racing, even more than mine. Her lips were still covered in the cold ice cream as I leaned in and touched the corners of her mouth whipping off a spot. I licked my finger.

"You can have the real thing," she said

"The ice cream?" I teased.

"If that’s what you really want," she responded.

"If that’s what you’re giving me," I nervously quipped realizing now that I was on the brink of that first kiss.

She leaned in and for a moment my mind took a journey back to our very first encounter. Who would have thought that the brief two-minute meeting of nearly three years ago would have led to this instant?

Annie, her sister had introduced us during one of our brief mid-town meetings. Annie was the coworker of my ex-girlfriend Crystal and often teased me about getting back with her. Her relentless teasing had morphed into a friendship, one that would prove very tricky but beneficial. On one of those afternoon encounters, Sophie was with her. I didn't pay her any mind at first but during those two quick minutes Sophie did something that would remain with me for a while. I didn't even figure it out at the time but I did recognize it the next time we met. In fact, I recognized it from a photo I had seen of her. She was the girl that I had always wanted to be with but was never lucky enough to encounter. I had often found myself in affairs with needy young women, needy of my money, my time and that usually turned me off. For one, I didn't have much money and secondly I was a busy-bodied person. My free time was spent traveling around the island or freelancing overseas.

I was so busy that my last relationship was based on a Facebook encounter, which coincidentally would be where I came across Sophie again. It just happened one day while I was bored at my office. I logged onto Facebook and there she was, ForeverFabulous, her profile name. Her profile picture stared me right in the face, her eyes fixed on mine or maybe it was mine fixed on hers. I can’t remember those details. That's when I realized that I needed to have her, right then and there. She jumped off the page and appealed to me. It was sexual but it was also a lot more. She stood in her living room, in a green and yellow bikini. That confidence called out my name. It was like she was saying "I'm sexy, I know it but you still can't have me. Eat your heart out."

I was determined to prove her wrong. I had a knack for defying the odds. I had to do it this time as well. I would get her. Yes, she would be mine. So I sent a desperate friend request and I got back an immediate acceptance. It was on and popping. I didn’t say anything to her at first, I just sent a poke. The attention-seeking poke. I got no response so it was back to the drawing board, plan B. I sent a solitary “hi” to her inbox, still no response. It was time that I made her feel my presence on Facebook, I would not be ignored. It was time to go through her photo albums. I would like every one, except those that looked like she was with her boyfriend or some male companion. That would be a clear signal to her; that should work. It didn’t – nothing, not even after two weeks of “stalking” her profile.

I was going to do the desperate thing next but her sister saved me the trouble. Just as I was contemplating sending her a timeline message about my desperate need for her, Annie tagged Sophie in a status. She responded so I joined in the conversation too. Pretty smart, if I might say so myself. She wouldn’t ignore my comments after all, they were general and discreet but I made it evident that I was trying to get her attention. I sent her a private message at the same time. Bingo, she replied although not the response I wanted:

            “Please, leave me alone, I don’t want a man and I’m not interested in you,”

            “I’m not trying to be your man!” I replied defiantly.

            “So why are you bothering me then?”

            “Oh, so you’ve noticed?”

            “Yes, so now stop it please!”

            “I’m sorry but I can’t stop,”

            “Well then, I will have to stop you!”

And with that she signed out on me. I felt cold, defeated and fearful. What would she do? I signed out immediately too, I didn’t want to know. I stayed off from Facebook for a few days but when I went back, there was nothing.

I would not be daunted by this first act of rejection so I sent her another message. She responded:

            “Persistent?”

            “Very,” I replied.

            “I like that,”

            “Is that all that you like?” I asked.

            “There are other things,”

            “Can I find out?”

            “Can you?” she quipped.

            “I can!” I confirmed.

She responded with a smiley face. I was in. I found out that she lived in Goodwill with her mom and brothers. She was still in a relationship but it was on a rocky road, and although she had a son with her boyfriend at the time I thought I could work my way around that. Just a minor detail I thought if she was going to be mine. I wouldn’t try to break up her relationship but I would still make my move.

Over the next few months we would talk on and off on the phone. I also saw her a few times in Roseau while I was running errands for work. I visited her workplace every time I could, even if it meant spending just two or three minutes. I would always make sure I made her smile before I left, giving her something to think about after my departure. I had hoped she thought about me after my brief visits. Thoughts of my friend zone situation with Miss George would often cloud my mind and get me depressed but I was determined not to fall to the trappings of any other young lady looking for mere friendship. “You’re everything I want in a man, but nothing I am looking for in a lover,” she had told me, the final dagger in my coffin. It took me years to get over her but I had managed, although I still suffered from temporary lapses and bouts of depression. She was the last girl that I would attempt to give my love, there was no more love in me to give.

But Sophie was different, we talked often about meeting up to spend some real time together and our conversations had crossed the friendship barrier a long time ago, but she always kept brushing me off with some reason or another. I never complained though, even if it killed me inside because I had already made my intentions clear to her so many times; I wanted her and I would be as patient as I could, as patient as I needed to be to get her into my arms, even for a fleeting moment. I wanted her if it meant I was the sidekick, just a scratch-my-back-when-it-itches type of situation or the main squeeze but I couldn’t stay in the friend zone for too long. I had suffered in the friend zone too many times in the past; I didn’t want any more female friends. Maybe I was too direct but it was better than being uncertain.

Kellyne, one of the few female friends that I had allowed to get close to me had invited me to the Windsor Park Sports Stadium to watch the Dominica National Football Team receive a pounding at the hands of their neighbor, St. Lucia. I had always liked her company; she was one of the ladies who would get other young ladies to take notice of me. She didn’t mind that, she wasn’t interested in me in any way but she drew attention to me and Dominican women tended to gravitate to men who were already taken, so I played the role. I held her hands while walking up the stand, giving her small nudges while we sat next to each other. I even left my seat to get her popcorn and soda. I fed her the popcorn, we laughed and laughed loudly. Kellyne was the perfect attractant so I played the boyfriend role and it felt good.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, surprising me so much that it caused me to shift in my seat.

“So that’s your girlfriend?” the anonymous text asked.

“Yes!” I replied, lying but playing along to see where this was heading.

           

“Okay,”

“Just okay?”

“I thought you were single,”

“Is that a problem?”I deflected.

“No it isn’t!”

“btw, who is this?”

“lol, now you’re asking?”

“Yes, now you got my interest”

“I’m just behind you, a few rows, in yellow,”

And with that I turned around slightly to see Sophie with a sly smile on her face. She had this yellow flowered summer dress that hugged her body. Not the type of outfit that I expected her to wear but she showed it off very well. There was no one sitting next to her though, strangely.

           

            “Are you alone?” I asked.

            “Yes,” she responded.

            “Where’s your boyfriend?”

            “He doesn’t like football and he lives far!”

That was the opportunity I needed but Kellyne was with me.  Kellyne wasn’t paying any mind to my text messaging as she was embroiled in the game. She was one of the few females that I knew who could understand football but she was a Manchester United fan and that point of contention was enough to turn me off. Manchester United was my sworn enemy. Kellyne knew it too and rubbed it in every time she got a chance, especially since my beloved Arsenal were yet to win a trophy in eight years.

           

            “So what are you doing after?” I messaged Sophie.

           

            “I’m not sure… head home, I guess,”

            “Right away?” I asked, a little disappointed as I turned my head towards her again. She was staring in my direction, right at me to. She smiled when she received my message.

            “Yes… you have plans for me?”

            “I was hoping we could spend some time together,”

            “But you have company,”

            “Let me worry about my company, just make sure you’re company later,”

            “Yes sir!” she replied

            “Meet me by I-Roc around 8,”

           

            “Cool,”

            “Nice,” I replied, turning my attention back to the game and Kellyne. Suddenly I found myself nervously excited, fidgeting with my phone and keys. I couldn’t think straight as I was already imagining Sophie in my arms.

I-Roc was locked by the time she met me there, almost an hour later than we had planned. I was just beginning to walk away when she called my phone. The Arch wasn’t the safest place to be alone at that hour. A vagrant had made the gazebo his bedroom, as he clumped away in a corner trying to keep himself warm even with a very cold river breeze to his back. I was shivering although I wore my hooded sweater so it amazed me how he looked so at home in rags on the cold concrete floor while at the mercy of the river. He actually snored quite loudly even without a comforter or pillow.

Sophie gave me a tight squeeze, so tight that I didn’t even feel like letting go. Her nipples pierced through her dress; either as a result of the cold weather or she was really excited to see me. I closed my eyes briefly to imagine my fingers running over her plump breasts and my tongue massaging her nipples. I was trying to hide my anticipation but my eyes were a dead giveaway.

            “Let’s get out of here!” I ordered.

           

            “Where are we going?” she asked.

            “You want ice cream?” I hit back, my voice trailing as I pulled her by the arm. I didn’t even wait for an answer. I wanted to show my decisiveness tonight. It was a part of my plan. As we strolled towards Island Ice Cream I couldn’t help but think about Kellyne. Although I was having this very overtly sexual conversation with Sophie my mind drifted to Kellyne, I had left her immediately after the game. The poor girl thought I was going to check on my mom who suddenly developed chest pains. I had text Nigel, one of my “bomb tags” and told him to call me back but remain silent on the other end of the line. I pretended to be talking to my sister and was reacting to her news about my mother’s pain. Kellyne was very sympathetic and even suggested to drive me to my mom’s house but I declined her assistance. I told her I needed to walk, needed to think and clear my mind before I became too emotional in front of my mother. The truth is that I wanted to rush off to meet Sophie. Now that I was with Sophie, I was thinking of Kellyne though. I snapped back to reality, and nudged Sophie a bit to let her know that I was still there with her. She smiled and pushed back at me but I was expecting it. I grabbed her by the arms and pulled her next to me.

            “It’s about time I hold you in my arms, I could get used to this,” I said.

            “Me too, I like the feel of being in your arms,”

            “I don’t want to let you go,”

            “What about my ice cream?” she reminded.

            “Oh yes, the ice cream,” I repeated.

I continued walking shoulder to shoulder with her, my hand brushing against hers, every now and then holding it for a few seconds, just to keep some form of contact. She didn’t mind, she was actually more open and more unperturbed than I would have thought.

            “So what flavor ice cream do you want?” I asked upon entering into the shop.

            “I want whatever it is that you get me,”

That sounded so suggestive that it caused me to stumble on the tiles. I grabbed one of the pillars to steady myself as Sophie pretended not to notice. The shop was filled with parents and their children so we ventured unto a small wooden bench just behind everyone else to wait our turn.

            “I want to tell you a secret,” I said

            “Tell me!” she ordered

            “In your ear,” I responded as I leaned towards her.

She leaned towards me as I placed a soft bite just on her ear lobes. She hissed but didn’t make awkward or rash movements to draw the attention of the crowd.

            “I should have expected that, I will know better next time,”

            “What else should you expect,”

            “I don’t normally have expectations, so surprise me,”

            “That I can definitely do,” I confirmed  and stepped forward to order the ice cream.

I got her a double scoop of ice cream on a wafer cone and for myself, a bag of M&M’s.

Sophie’s lips touched mine and although they were cold, a bolt of electricity shot across her body into mine. Her lips were so soft and moist and as I caressed her tongue with mine I brought my hands to her cheeks, holding her head in place to savour the moment. I lay soft bites on her lips and ran my fingers to the back of her neck. She jerked forward slightly and her pelvis slanted right into my crotch. I was fully erect and she knew it. She rubbed against me letting out some soft moans as I lowered my hands down her back and grabbed her ass. She dropped the rest of the ice cream cone and pushed her hands under my sweater and vest to dig into my flesh. Her cold nails caused my back to arch. She smiled and let out a lowly giggle under her breath. I slightly pushed her in between two vendor’s stalls and pinned her against the wall. I started to thrust my waist into her, grinding between her thighs. Her moans were getting louder. I lifted her dress, lowered her panties and squeezed her bare ass with my hands. I wanted to have her there and then. I pulled her even closer towards me, now nibbling on the back of her neck as she ran her nails up and now my back, it felt like she wanted to tear my flesh from the bones. I wriggled myself in such a way that my pants were beginning to fall to my ankles and lifted her left leg. She didn’t stop me. At that very moment a car whizzed past us, splashing a pothole filled with dirty water in our direction. That must have woken Sophie from her sexual daze and she jumped from my grasp and pulled up her panties.

            “Stop, stop, we have to stop,” she cried out.

            “Okay, okay,” I replied still a little dumbfounded myself.

            “I shouldn’t even be here, I am not a cheater, I am not a cheater,” she kept on repeating.

            “Let me take you home then,” I said, hoping that I would get the chance to redeem myself on the way to her house.

            “No, no… I can make it on my own,” she replied, as she dashed away from me.

I tried to chase her forgetting that my pants were down to my ankles and fell, my arms just saving me from the gutter's muddy water. I pulled myself up, put on my pants as quickly as I could and ran in the direction that Sophie had taken. I took the corner and ran up Great Marlborough Street but Sophie was speeding away already, almost out of sight. I didn’t want to chase her any further to create any scene so I stopped, calmed myself and walked home.

I hadn’t walked for five minutes when I noticed a white Toyota Corolla pull up in the area, about thirty meters ahead of me. Out walked Kellyne and this well-built man. I stopped and looked on, making sure though that I wasn’t seen. He opened the door and they went upstairs. The door locked behind them. I walked towards the door, listened against it and suddenly found myself stooping down at the base of the step. Tears streamed down my eyes.

            “I love Kellyne,” I whispered, “I love Kellyne.”

Giving Up

Giving Up
By Delroy Nesta Williams

I've become the very thing I hate!
A slave to your acceptance
I've had enough of it all
I'm no longer seeking your approval
I'm raging against the machine that you've become...
Or maybe I'm flying the white flag
Yup, that's it, I give up
Been chasing shadows for much too long
You hide in the dark of the night
And still so elusive in the light
Cutting my losses while I can
I'm tired of wishing in the wind
This could very well be a blessing in disguise
So no more compromise
Or turning the other cheek
Sometimes you just gotta accept defeat
Life isn't always what you wish it
Especially if you're always forced to swim upstream
Every day a battle to belong
Takes a toll on the soul
In the long run,
That can break the will of a man
Life has a funny way of teaching you a lesson
But from dust I came, so to dust I shall return!

Break Time

Break Time
by Delroy Nesta Williams

Home was never really a happy place. I was the first of three children, all girls raised by a single mom and all of us by different fathers. She, my mother, was a victim of men’s promises, each one filling her with empty words of taking care of her and her children but each wanting and leaving her after they had their own. She learned the lesson quickly though and although it stressed her to take care of all of us by her lonesome self, my mother seldom complained. My mother worked any and every job she could find to provide for us and that really meant that raising the children and running the house was left to the eldest among us, which just so happened to be me!

Some days were good but lately I felt like the world was on my frail, tiny shoulders and I needed a break. I tried to remain strong because I, as the oldest, maybe understood what my mother was going through the best. I never heard or saw my mother cry, well actually, I did, but only once. She was having a phone conversation late one night and I just happened to be awake. Words that may be hidden by the noise of the day ring loud in the still of the night. She was speaking about my father and from what I could understand from the muttered, tear-filled words, he was not helping her to pay for my CXC exams and the deadline for payment was coming up soon. I promised myself then and there that I would approach him as soon as I could, I had no idea what I would tell him though but I was sure that he would look at me in a different light after our encounter.

I never told my mother about it and it had been almost two weeks since I overheard her conversation but I was yet to see my father. I had tried to block out the late night images from my thoughts but any little issue would bring back her words and tears, even if I only envisioned them from across the walls of our small house. My mother was already out of the house by the time I got up from my mattress, which I had placed in the corner of the room so she wouldn’t disturb me when she was leaving for work. It was like that almost every morning and although it was only 6:30 a.m., she had already taken two buses to make her way to work in Mero, which meant that she usually left the house before my younger sisters were even awake.

I was busy frying eggs and sausage when my sisters, Lisha and Kerdisha, came into our small outdoor kitchen moving like they were sleepwalking.

                “We hungry!” they cried out in unison.

                “Allu just get up wii, go an’ take a bath, when allu come back allu will get breakfast,” I replied as sternly as I could. I reminded myself of my mother, she was beginning to rub off on me so much that it frightened me at times.

                “And hurry up eh, we walking to school today cause mammy doh leave bus money for us,”

Ten minutes later and they had both returned to the kitchen, half dressed but with a famish in their eyes that softened my heart.

                “Eat! Eat before allu fall down dere on my account eh. I cyah answer to mammy much less for de government,” again borrowing my mother’s phrases. I never understood what she meant about answering to the Government but it always seemed to instill fear in me so I used it with my sisters. They looked up to me so much that I couldn’t be too hard on them though, not all the time.

By the time they had eaten and gotten fully dressed, it was already 7:30 and we rushed out of the house. From where we lived in Newtown the school was a quick walk but with two troublesome sisters, even that could be a challenge. Lisha had a question about everything she saw and Kerdisha would always find something to play with just to annoy me. But still, I loved my sisters, more than anyone in my life.

School was a different world though; it was my sanctuary from the troubles and challenges of home. For about five hours I didn’t have to think about anything else but classes and assignments. Oh and off course, my girls! We had developed our little clique from first form, five years ago and we had still remained friends from that time. There were fallouts, major ones too but we always found a way to come back together. The Gorgeous Girls: Kisha, Lorry, Crystal, Natasha and I. I had known Natasha longer than the rest, since our days in primary school so we were closest among the five of us. Still, lately Natasha had become a little distant from the rest of us. There were times when she wouldn’t eat with us at break time, and now she was always late for our library “meetings” and had become very secretive.

That was unlike her because she used to be the bubbly one that always cracked the jokes or picked on each of us. She was the glue that kept us together. She had mended the fallout between Lorry and Kisha over Craig.  It seemed that Lorry had liked Craig but Craig was only interested in Kisha so that put a rift between the girls but Natasha stepped in and Craig stepped out of the picture soon after that. I can still remember the look on his face when she told him to “get to stepping” - her favorite phrase at that time.

Natasha, Crystal and I were in the same class which also meant we spent more time together whereas Lorry and Kisha were in another class across the school yard. Crystal was being forced to remain in the class during break time because she stood up to the teacher during our history class. Unfortunately for Crystal, her mouth was always her biggest problem. She took offence at the teacher saying that Christopher Columbus discovered Dominica. She had the balls to put Miss Seaman on blast and ended up by calling her “brainwashed and stupid” and accused her of “perpetuating stereotypes” in front of the entire class. Off course, a class of hyped up teenage girls took the opportunity to laugh at Miss Seaman which wasn’t at all too pleasing to her so she made an example of Crystal. Crystal didn’t worry about the punishment though because in her mind she had won, Miss Seaman wouldn’t be discounting the contributions of her Kalinago people anymore. There was no greater victory since Crystal was actually of Kalinago heritage, at least from her mother’s side of the family. But please don’t tell Crystal that she was only half-Kalinago, unless you wanted to face the wrath of her death stare!

Lorry and Kisha, the sports junkies had a netball team meeting during the break as well, which meant that I had Natasha all to myself, so we could talk about her strange behavior lately. We went to our section of the school yard, underneath the flambouyant tree. It was our regular meeting point, so much so that the other girls in the school didn’t even venture near it. That spot would remain empty even if we didn’t use it during break; so much was the respect and fear we had garnered from the rest of the school. Nobody questioned our right to the spot and we loved that.

As we sat on the bench, I pulled out my snack from my paper bag but I noticed that Natasha didn’t have anything in her hands.

                “Where your snack ner?” I asked.

                “I waiting for it,” she responded.

                “Waiting for it, what you mean you waiting for it?”

                “Somebody bringing it for me jus now,” she said coyly.

                “Okay den,” I sounded as I stared into her big brown eyes.

She tried to watch away but I saw the glimmer in her eyes which meant that there was more to the story than what she was telling me. Natasha could never keep a secret and if there was one, I was surprised that she had kept it from me for so long. As I searched her eyes I realized that my friend seemed a lot different. She was changing right before my very eyes and I had barely even noticed until now. She had relaxed her hair a few weeks ago but that didn’t raise any alarms. Upon closer inspection though, I now saw that Natasha was evolving into a fine young woman. Her eyebrows were shaped, her earrings were different, shimmering in the early morning sunlight and even her uniform seemed new.

                “What’s going on ner?” I asked.

                “Nothing, why?”

                “You seem different,”

                “Me?”

                “No corn, yes you!” I scolded her.

                “Girl you behaving too much like your moda eh,” she laughed in her attempt to change the topic but that wasn’t working. I wanted to know why my best friend was slowly changing and I hadn’t even noticed it until now. But worst, why she hadn’t confided in me at all. It was unlike her, we spoke about everything, she knew all of my secrets and I thought I knew all of hers, until now.

                “Talk, I want to know,”

                “I can’t tell you!”

                “You can tell me anything eh!”

                “Not that one ner!”

                “Why ner?”

                “I made a promise wii,”

                “Wat about our promise? Wat about our friendship den?”

                “Dat different eh,”

Just then Natasha pushed her hands into the pocket of her uniform and pulled out a cell phone which was vibrating in her hand. I was surprised. She hastily read and responded to the text message then turned to me.

                “You have a cell phone?” I shrieked.

                “Yes, I do!” she responded defiantly.

                “Since when?” I questioned.

                “Since he…,” she paused, “since I bought one.”

                “Who is he? Doh think I doh hear de he eh,”

                “It not important and I cyah tell you anyways,”

                “If it not important den I can know,” I said as I cornered her.

                “My boyfriend dat buy me de phone, okay!”

                “You have boyfriend? Since when? How I doh know dat?” I yelled.

                “Well tell de whole school ner!” she responded, sucking her teeth at me.

                “Sorry, sorry… but you have boyfriend wii, your mother know that?”

                “How my mother can know that ner?”

                “So she doh see de phone den?”

                “It always on silent!”

                “Since when you have boyfriend?”

                “About two months now,”

                “TWO whole months,” I screamed out at first then but lowering my voice as I realized I was embarrassing my friend.

                “So when you was going to tell me? And who is he?”

                “But look I jus tell you wii and you might see him cuz he bringing snack for me just now. He dat jus text me der,”

                “Okay, okay,”

                “But you cyah make him see you, so you will have to hide,”

                “Why I have to hide?”

                “Cuz is our secret. He doh want people to know for now,”

                “Who is he?”

                “You will see when he come in de ride!”

                “He have a ride den? Big tings man?”

                “Yes, he does!”

And that was the end of that as she left to go to the washroom. We now had our plan though and I would stay behind the wall, walking out just about the time where he was handing her the snack so I could sneak a peek at him. He had a car which meant he had to be a lot older than her but she didn’t take me on when I raised my objection.

                “I going to have a boyfriend one day eh, so why it cyah be today?” she asked.

                “So allu sexing? Your moda know?”

                “Yes, we fuck a few times... my moda can never know, she still think I a virgin wii,”

                “Agatha go break your bones”

                “And your moda doh break yours?”

I had no response to so I dropped the issue and changed the topic. My friend seemed happy and so I would be happy for her even if it troubled me that he was a lot older than her. We would soon be out of school though, graduating in a few months so I guess in her mind she was ready to be an adult. I couldn’t see myself with a boyfriend. Not because I didn’t want one but because my mother would kill me. She had already embarrassed me enough for Jason the last time. She had given me a beating in the school yard when she found out about it, an experience I don’t want to ever relive. Her daily scolding was now enough to keep me without a boyfriend for the next ten years.

We continued to talk for about two minutes, enough time for her to tell me about how she met her new boyfriend. She had gone by All Nations Bar in Newtown to buy fish and fries for her mother on a Friday night and he was there with his girlfriend, where they were having a public break up. Then he met her there a few weeks later and started up a conversation. He had even paid for her meal that night and that started things off. They didn’t meet too often because he worked a lot but when he could he would take her out, even at nights and at weekends. She would tell her mother that she was going over to my house, even without my knowledge. He bought her the cell phone for her birthday, a Samsung Galaxy S3. I had never owned a cell phone, my mother couldn’t afford it. My mother would have broken my bones too if I had ever brought one home. She didn’t want me accepting gifts from anybody. Her words always rang in my ears, “men don’t give you anything without expecting something in return.” I always sensed bitterness in her words when she said that, like she was speaking from a dark experience, like she had lived out the mistake herself.

Just when my thoughts were transitioning to images of my mother and that fateful phone conversation, Natasha jumped up from our spot and rushed towards the school gate. I was well hidden behind the wall and ready to follow through with our plan. I could see her big broad smile in the reflection of the car’s glass. It was well tinted; I couldn’t see a thing through the glass. She seemed more than happy with her boyfriend as she waited for him to bring down the window. It came down slowly to reveal an older man, his eyes hidden by a pair of sunglasses. As he himself lifted the glasses, I saw his very own smile as well. He donned a wide spaced tooth, strong cheek bones that rose up with his smile. But I still couldn’t make him out properly as he turned his head towards her and he reached into a bag to pull out her snack. It was then that I stepped forward to have a closer look at the mystery man. His smile froze on his face as my mouth opened wide too.

Mr. Charles was her boyfriend. Mr. Damian Charles, her boyfriend. My best friend’s boyfriend was my very own father! The man who wouldn’t pay my CXC fees was wining and dining my best friend.

The End.

The Bond

The Bond

By Delroy Nesta Williams

I never had a boyfriend before, how was I going to explain that to my mother. Surely she wouldn’t approve but we never kept any secrets from one another. I was her only child and she being so young when she had me, she felt more like my bigger sister than my mother. That was the lovely bond that I had with her - a motherly comfort but sisterly support.

But she hadn’t known about Michael, I couldn’t find a way to tell her especially since she had drilled me about the importance of school and waiting until I graduated from Convent to have a relationship. But Michael wasn’t planned, he just happened. A chance meeting at the Public Library while I was doing some research for a Geography S.B.A was the beginning of our saga. He had knocked down my books in passing and when I confronted him, although he had been difficult about it, he somehow left an impression on me. That night I couldn’t stop thinking about him, although at the time it was more out of anger than admiration. But I kept seeing him at the library and for some reason we always got caught staring at each other. I had told myself that I would never approach him and if he ever dared come speak to me that I would have shamed him. That didn’t work out as I had thought, far from that. I didn’t expect him to bring me an apple and leave poems in my book. That sort of thing had never happened to me before; no boys had ever paid me any attention.  So before I actually knew what was going on we started to spend more time with each other, just as friends at first but then I got this unexplainable feeling in my tummy, Michael was starting to have a strong effect on me.

Michael was different though, well different from what I had expected. He was thoughtful, underneath the rough coat that he put on for his friends. He was at the State College as well, a little older than the other boys that I had known and lived in Roseau which meant that I would see him on my way home most of the times. On days when he could, he would wait after class until he saw me and on some days walked me to the Bath Estate Bridge before heading back home. He would carry my bag or the extra books that I had in my hands. One time he even sang for me, it was a Michael Bolton song. He wanted to be a doctor but had a love for singing. He had asked me to go into the Botanic Gardens a few times but my mother had put the fear of God in me about that place. I wasn’t going in there with a boy, not ever. So we mostly hung out at the library or in the school yard. A few times he even came over to my home but I would go to the library almost every day to spend time with him. My mother never complained because she worked long hours and wouldn’t be home until 7 or 8 most nights and I would already be home either watching television or reading a book.

But deep down I knew I shouldn’t keep him a secret from my mother much longer especially since the kiss. Michael had just snuck up on me with that kiss but I wanted it as much as he did. It was in the back of my mind for weeks. He was a good kisser, although this was my first experience so I really couldn’t be a good judge. But he had some soft lips and was a good teacher. We probably spent 20 minutes locked in each other’s arms, just kissing, caressing each other. My eyes were closed most of the time but when I opened them I found Michael with that look in his eyes. He wanted me as much as I wanted him and from that moment I decided that I would have to get my mother’s blessings.

Truth is, we had done much more than just kissing but I wouldn’t tell my mother that, not yet. I would tell her on a need to know basis and right now she didn’t need to know that. Besides, by the time she would find out the rest I would have safely graduated from high school. Everything was going down as I had planned it in my head, except for the telling her part, for now.

I would sit her down and explain to her that this wouldn’t affect my school work. In fact, it even gave me more determination to study because I wanted to be smart and accomplished like Michael. I had all these dreams about us getting married, having children and going on trips all over the world – Paris, New York and even as far as Tokyo. For most parts, I had only seen these cities on television and read about them in books and on the internet but I knew these were places where lovers visited, so it was only right that we would venture to these parts of the globe.

I had spoken to Michael about my plan to tell my mother and although he was quite hesitant at first, he agreed. He surprised me though when he said that he wanted to be there when I told my mother or rather when I asked her permission. It just didn’t feel like something a guy his age would do.

            “Mom, I have something I need to tell… err, I mean ask you?” I said

            “I am tired child, can it wait?” she responded, “I had a long day at work.”

            “No, uhmm, yes it can,”

            “Yes or no? Is it about school? Is it about church?”

            “No, not really, it isn’t about those things,”

            “Is it a life or death thing? Are you sick sweetie?”

            “No mammy, it isn’t and no, I am not sick,”

            “So it can wait then?”

            “Yes it can, I wasn’t really going to ask you now, I just wanted to let you know that I have something important to tell you,”

            “So when are you going to tell me this thing then?”

            “When is your next day off?”

            “Saturday, but I want to go to town?”

            “I can tell you before we go to town,”

            “We go? You’re just inviting yourself?”

            “So I can’t come?

            “Yes, yes you can come. You will tell me on Saturday morning then.”

            “Thank you, mammy!”

            “Now leave me alone let me rest my weary bones,” she responded laughingly.

She then sat down in front of the television and put her foot up to watch the Young and the Restless. Ten minutes later she was snoring away. The typical scenario whenever she was too tired to do anything after work. Being a ward aid at the hospital meant long, strange hours but she never complained. When I recognized that the snoring had gotten very loud, which meant that she was deep in sleep, I snuck into the backroom, picked up my mom’s cell phone and called Michael. It had become our regular routine. He would wait by the phone for me, until I called. We would only spend 5 or so minutes on the phone but that time was like heaven to me. It was one thing to hear his voice in person but a more serene experience over the phone. He sounded so calm and thoughtful, like every word was well calculated. On days when I was anxious and afraid, he managed to calm my fears. Those, including our times at the library, were my most cherished moments.

            “She said Saturday morning,”

            “Your mom?”

            “Yes, who else?”

            “Just confirming, so what time should I come over?”

            “Are you sure you want to do that?”

            “Yes I do!”

            “Around nine then!”

            “So early? I’ve got football practice,”

            “So you can’t come?” I asked sadly.

            “I will come, I won’t go,”

            “Okay,” I blotted out surprisingly.

            “So you’re okay baby?” he asked in this smooth tone.

            “Yes I am,” I blushed.

            “Will I see you tomorrow?”

            “After school, I can’t go to the library; I’ve got to babysit,”

            “Okay, well good night baby,”

            “Thanks my love,” I responded as I ended the call but not before I kissed the screen.

Saturday took its merry time to get here and I woke up feeling so sick that morning. Michael was already on his way and by the time I made it to the kitchen, mom was busy washing clothes in the backyard. I put on the television and started having breakfast. I heard a knock on the door before I could even have a sip of my cocoa tea. It was Michael. I gave him a quick hug and kiss after he entered the living room, careful that nobody saw us.

            “So where’s your mom?” he asked, almost too eagerly.

            “She’s in the backyard washing,”

            “So are you ready?”

“Yes, as ready as I was ever be,” I said, trying to sound brave but with my voice breaking up.

Michael caught on too and at that moment he spun me around lightly and gave me a tight hug, kissing me on my forehead. That was just what I needed in that moment. Suddenly, I felt brave and ready to take on the world, well at least to face my mother. I could hear her singing from the backyard. She loved country and western music. Saturday morning and sometimes Sundays were dedicated to the sounds of Kenny Rogers, Jim Reeves, Dolly Parton and Willy Nelson. Sometimes I even sang along, those songs were always catchy and although I denied it every time, I had become a fan as well. As we walked towards the backyard, I started to hum to “islands in the stream” which made Michael chuckle.

            “Baby, when I met you… there was peace unknown… I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb… I was soft inside… there was something going on.”

            “You know Kenny Rogers?” he asked laughingly.

            “Yes I do!” I affirmed, “My mother listens to him all the time.”

            “Okay cool, good music,”

Michael was clearly an old soul trapped in this young man’s body and that just got me so excited. I hope my mom can see what a catch he is and understands why I am breaking my pledge to her. We exited the kitchen into the backyard to find my mom fixing the clothes line. It seemed to have fallen down, maybe overnight because it was fine yesterday. As we approached her, she turned around and gave me this funny, surprising look. It was a mixture of being startled and worried and that was the first time I had seen this expression upon her face in forever.

            “Who is this young man?” she asked, in a tone that suggested that she already knew what I was about to respond.

            “Who? Him?” I said, almost taken aback by her tone. I wasn’t ready to do this but it was too late now.

            “Yes, him,” she said pointing, “he’s the only one here with us,”

“That’s what; I mean that’s who I wanted to talk to you about,”

“Well, talk to me!” she shrieked, her voicing growing with every word.

Michael for the cool, assured person that he had been before hadn’t moved a muscle. I turned to look at him and he was sweating profusely, even shaking a bit. I grabbed his hand but he pulled away slightly, almost leaving me to be devoured by my mother. I looked up at him and for the first time I saw fear in his eyes. But if anything, I should be the one to be afraid but instead I felt a certain poise like the situation needed me to show my maturity.

            “Mammy, this is Michael and he’s my friend!”

            “Nice to meet you Michael,” as she stretched her hands towards him. For the first time he moved a bit.

            “Michael and I got to know each other a few months ago”

            “Okay,” she said awaiting some more details.

            “We met at the library while I was doing homework. He goes to the State College. We’ve been talking for a while now and…”

            “Baby, stop, stop, I have something to tell you,” she interrupted.

            “No mammy, I have something to tell you first,”

            “No, what I have to say is more important and I think it’s time you know,”

            “But mammy, I want to tell you,”

            “Let me explain first,” she said with tears filling up her eyes.

I didn’t understand why she was getting more emotional than me over this. I was the one who was about to spill my guts to her. She sat down on a stool and put her face in her hands, leaning over into her lap. My mother seemed an emotional wreck as I stood there bewildered with Michael to my side. I looked at him but he was being no help to me either, with this blank steer in his eyes. I couldn’t blame him, this was much more than we had prepared for. In our discussion, we had only looked at one side of the outcome, this was new territory.

            “Kelian,” she said, “do you remember what I told you about your father?”

            “Yes, he is in the States!”

            “Not quite in the States. Your father has been in Dominica for quite a while now. In fact, I should have brought you to meet him years ago. I had you when I was just a young girl, just about your age, seventeen and at that time things were rough with my mother.”

            “Yes mammy, I remember the story”

            “There’s more to the story, that I need you to know now. Your father’s parents had paid my parents off to have an abortion but instead my mother took the money and posted me to Vieille Case to live with my aunt. So I gave birth to you there. I actually name after him; well your middle name so there would always be a link.”

            “My middle name is Michelle”

            “Yes Michelle” she confirmed. “I came back to town to live so you could attend high school but I’ve always kept a close eye on your father although he is unaware.”

            “So who’s my father? Where’s my father?”

            “your father is Michael Shillingford!” she cried out from among the tears that were streaming down her face. Her eyes were red with fear and shame. She didn’t even look at me but was staring at my boyfriend.

            “But, but my father is Michael Shillingford!” Michael revealed.

            “Yes, I know,” she said continuing to cry, “Kelian is your sister. Isn’t that what you came here to tell me? That you somehow found out?”

            “No!” was all that Michael could muster and for the first time it hit me straight in my chest. A deep pain overtook me.

            “No, mom… I wanted to introduce Michael as my, my, my,” I hesitated.

            “Your, your what?”

            “Boyfriend, mammy… he’s my boyfriend!” as I staggered with my speech.

            “No, no, no... He can’t be your boyfriend, he’s your brother,” she screamed out, “he’s your brother, Kelian.”

            “Ma’am, I love her!”

Those were the last words that I made out from the conversation before I crumbled to the ground. Michael stretched over to help me but my mom pushed him away as she dashed to pick me up. He just stood there, in shock after that, with a look of shame as to what had just transpired. I crashed into my mother’s lap crying my guts out as he hovered over us. As I peeked through my mother’s dress, I could see the indecision in his face, not knowing whether to leave or to stay to comfort me. My mother was still crying out, screaming to the top of her voice although she rocked me in her lap while embellishing me to keep quiet. All the crying and screaming had caused my eyes to swell but the real pain was in my chest and stomach, I could hardly gather the strength to stand.

            “Rest my child,” my mother chided as I pushed off from her to take my feet.

            “No mommy, I need to tell you something else,”

            “What else?”

I turned to Michael, and then I looked at my mother. I looked down at my palms and for the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. All that I had known had come crashing down; nothing was what it seemed at all. Suddenly all the things that I thought I knew made no sense. Both of them gave me this concerned look but before I had the wherewithal to think through my statement I mumbled out a few words to them.

            “What!!!!!!!” they both screamed out in unison.

            “I’m pregnant,” I retorted.

THE END