Kalinago Love Scene

So I remixed this love scene that I found in a book that I was reading... I just felt that the scene needed an extended version instead of the 4 lines the scene got from the author. I am not sure how ethical this is in writing but it is accepted in music, through covers and remixes. I hope this won't offend anyone. 

It isn't my intent to reduce the work of the author, just to give my own take on the scene... would appreciate some feedback and comments, how did I do... 

The scene was taken from Kalinago Blood, a recently launched book by Dominican writer Alick Lazare: 

Kalinago Love Scene

Her long unkempt nails dug into his back as he entered her for the first time. A small electric shock riveted through her, at once jolting her body but also freeing her legs as she wrapped them around his waist.

The move made her tearful but the ecstasy it filled her with surpassed any pain that she had ever known. She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes, a mixture of emotions that she was affronting for the very first time. 

Her long arms, one around the back of his neck and the other gripping his left shoulder kept her firmly in place as Captain Warner rocked back and forth. All this felt new to him as well, he never having had a woman as uncultured as a Kalinago.

A low moan escaped from Barbé’s mouth and although it surprised her, it felt too natural to raise any alarms. She bit the tip of the Captain's left ear, licking inside it. She could feel the Captain's penis touching the walls of her vagina, massaging her. His deep groans overshadowed hers, as he rushed his strokes, delving deeper and deeper, very eager to give her all of his member. Her waist now moved in unison with his, similar to how she had seen the waves crashing upon the sea shore.

The Captain’s back arched away from her and with one final thrust he collapsed upon the young lady, her body unable to hold him up as he crushed her, the sweat from his forehead splashing over her face and burning her eyes.

He laid there so immobile, that for a moment she thought him dead, except for the low gasps that he allowed to escape from his mouth.

She now felt fully awaken, her eyes lit up - she wanted more. But the old man just rolled over to the side and within minutes his deep snore meant it was all over. She laid there, a tingle between her thighs wondering when again The Captain would take her.